You Don’t Know My Shame (No longer walking alone part 3)

(Conclusion)

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Agnes had convinced daddy that she was doing some kind of therapy on me to make sure I wouldn’t turn out to be a sissy. Daddy was so driven in his desire to have a real man for a son, that he would have agreed to almost anything.

Agnes started out real low key for the first few years. She would talk to me and tell me that Todd was wrong for what he was doing. She said it wasn’t right for boys to mess with boys. Boys should be with girls to grow up, and get married. Boys couldn’t get married to boys she said. Todd shouldn’t have made me think it was okay. Funny thing about it though, Agnes never once said it was wrong for grown men to mess with children, she kept telling me about being a sissy, and how that would break my daddy’s heart. I guess she didn’t take into account how her sleeping with me was going to break his heart too.

Back in the courtroom, I realized I had done it again. I blacked out. My thoughts had traveled off to horrible thoughts of my past.

My Dad was on trial. For killing dirty Agnes, and I felt nothing about that.

I was asked a series of questions.

Yes, Agnes abused me for many years.

Yes, I started to get confused somewhere around the age of fourteen, and I thought I’d started to like it.

She tried to convince me that we had to get away from my father and be together. I never for a second considered going anywhere with Agnes.

No, I didn’t plan to kill her with my father. He did that all on his own.

I don’t think he thought about it much. It was like he just snapped. He’d had enough. Because of him bringing Agnes into our lives, and then her brother. He also realized that my innocence was lost. It was all too much to bear.

The phone calls from my school, the vandalism, the fights, the hiding out in the girls bathroom, grabbing girls on the ass, getting expelled from school, it was all becoming too much.

The best thing he did for me was send me to a psychotherapist. At that point, everything started to become clear. I always knew that Agnes was wrong. I despised her for it, but when she came into my room to drag me into the basement, I never denied her.

My therapist explained that I had started to identify with my abuser. It didn’t mean I liked it, but it became normal. The reaction from my body was related to stimulation and being an adolescent, I couldn’t control that.  Again, it was my way of coping. I started off telling my therapist bits and pieces at first. I told her everything about Todd. But I would only elude to certain things as it related to Agnes.

The therapist was no dummy. Childhood trauma and abuse were her areas of expertise. She told me that what we talked about was confidential, but she was also required to tell me that if anything I told her was harmful to myself or others, she would most likely have to report it. I guess I wanted her to in a way. As luck would have it, she was a day late and a dollar short with her reporting because the next thing you know, Daddy had took care of Agnes.

And now he is here on trial. For murder.

Daddy told Agnes that she was just as wrong as Todd, if not more for the way she carried on with me. He told her it wasn’t normal and it needed to stop. He told her he was sending me to see a certified therapist to help me out the right way. He told her to stop.

But she didn’t.

It would be that last time he walked in and she had me on the sofa trying to unzip my pants. He walked into the house, spotted us, and went into the back. Ten seconds later he was back with glazed eyes, and a gun.

Pop goes the weasel.

Agnes fell to her death right in our living room and I felt nothing.

Daddy picked up the phone and called the police and told them he had just killed his wife.

Daddy then made another phone call and I heard him say, “I need you to look after Bryant. I’m going a way for a while and he needs some help. He doesn’t have anybody else. He has been through so much, and it’s time for you to be here for him. He needs you. Don’t let him down.”

At the time, I couldn’t figure out who daddy was talking to.

When the police came, daddy had his hands up. He said he was unarmed. He had placed the gun in a paper bag on the table.

He looked at me and told me he was sorry for the things he had allowed to happen to me. He said he hoped one day I’d forgive him.

He said he did it for me so that I could get free.

He did it so that I could have a chance.

The police called a social worker and daddy gave her a number saying that the person was going to take care of me and they should call them right away.

The person Daddy had contacted was my real mother. Cynthia Sails. I’m living with her now. It was hard at first, because I didn’t  know her. It had been over a decade since I last saw her, and Daddy told me she was gone and never coming back. I didn’t know that my mother had suffered a nervous breakdown after the loss of her second child. A girl. She named her Dasia. I didn’t know I had a baby sister that died in my mother’s arms at the hospital before she had a chance to bring her home. I didn’t know that it caused her great pain to look me in the eyes, and see the same eyes as her dead baby. I didn’t know. Daddy never said a word. He only said she wasn’t coming back, but he never said a word, good bad or indifferent against my mother. We simply didn’t discuss her. I was angry at her for so long, and never considered that she was in the messed up state of mind that she was.

She had lived in a wellness facility for three years after she left.

She had gone back to school and obtained a degree to practice wellness therapy herself. She said that it had saved her life, and she wanted to do the same for as many people has she could. She had rebuilt her life from the ground up. The only unfinished business she had was me.

She had tried to contact me. First through yearly birthday and Christmas cards. I never received one.

She’d located where we lived and showed up at the house several times but she was always turned away by Agnes.

She had called, but was always told that I nor my father were willing to speak to her.

Daddy never knew either. He had recently found out about a week before the shooting, that my mother had been trying to contact us. She ran into an old friend of theirs from high school. He was still friendly with Daddy. He passed the information on to him. They met for coffee and had a long talk. He never told my mom about the abuse that I’d suffered in detail. He only told her that he had messed up in raising me and he had subjected me to dysfunction that could potentially ruin my life. He had already been speaking to her about taking me. She was ready to do whatever it took to have me back in her life. And now, I am living with her. I’ve told her everything about my abuse. She has encouraged me to continue with therapy and I have. She has helped me out a great deal also.

Through therapy, I realized the visions that I had of harming women, of wanting to “getting mines” even if it meant taking it, the thoughts of harming myself, was all a direct result of what I’d suffered. I wanted to change. I was ready for change.

Daddy ended up being sentenced to ten years in prison for the murder of his wife. The judge believed that daddy had truly snapped when he pulled the trigger on Agnes. Although Daddy was a victim of Agnes’ sickness, he believed that Daddy could have stopped the abuse a long time ago, and he failed to protect me in that. For this reason, Daddy couldn’t beat his case.

We never saw or heard from Todd again.

I’m twenty-two years old now, and I have completely turned my life around. I didn’t do it alone. First off, God is the source of my strength and he helps me stay grounded in my faith. My therapist who I’ve been working with consistently for almost five years has been a great asset in my health. My mother who referred me to a wellness center for two years and continues to support me and be a listening ear when life gets a bit hard. My lovely wife. I would have never believed I’d have someone who would love me with all my flaws, who would soothe me at night, and hold my hand during the moments that matter most. My wife Angela is my biggest supporter. It may seem unbelievable, but my father is my greatest champion. He saved my life. The best way he knew how to at the time, he saved it. And he reconnected me with my mom. We keep in touch through letters, and although I don’t visit him much, I’ve forgiven him for the active role he took in my childhood abuse. I went back to school and obtained my general equivalency diploma. I went to college and graduated with honors. I’ve since become an advocate for childhood trauma and abuse, and a motivational speaker. I want to use my life as an example and my voice as a vessel. Things happen in life that make no sense and that is often so hard to understand. I am here to tell others that my life was a mess, but even if we go through terrible experiences, we can still rise. It takes work. It takes determination. But we can rise. I no longer carry the shame I use to carry because I know it was never my fault. I no longer walk alone because I know there is always someone walking with me. Waiting for me at the finish line. I no longer walk alone, now I walk with many.
_______________________________________
Earlier last week I posted part 1 which you can read here https://deejourneyofafabmom.wordpress.com/2015/02/05/you-dont-know-my-shame-i-walk-alone/ this week I posted part 2 herehttps://deejourneyofafabmom.wordpress.com/2015/02/16/you-dont-know-my-shame-i-walk-alone-part-2/

In the beginning, this story was difficult to write. It’s even harder for me to read some of the earlier parts I’ve written. Trust me when I tell you that my heart cries out for this character. When Bryant was a child and what he went through, It wasn’t easy for me to try and bring that to life. With telling this story, I am in no way bringing glory or sensationalism to childhood abuse, pedophiles, or those who victimize children. These types of people are the lowest scums of life as far as I’m concerned. However, these things do happen. I don’t think we discuss it enough or take the proper steps to protect children and help them gain normalcy after something as traumatic as this.

The story was created purely from my imagination as a way to raise awareness. The hope is that maybe someone who has been a victim will seek help. The hope is that others will know that they are not alone. There is help, there is hope, and there is support. Although Bryant, the character in the story isn’t based on anybody that I personally know, these awful events happen all the time, and he could be someone that you the reader knows. Pretending that it doesn’t exist won’t help any of these helpless, often voiceless victims.

As the story progressed, I wanted to show him going through various degrees of feelings. He went from sadness, to shame, to anger, to violence, to desperation, to despair, to hope, to faith, to health, to freedom, to success, to love, and to life. He got help, he began living life and moving on. Rising above it because after all, that is real. Many of us rise above our circumstance, and become survivors. If you are a victim or know someone else who is a victim of any type of abuse, please try to get help. If needed a list of resources are below.

This story is my contribution. Each one, teach one.

Peace and Love,
Dee

National childhelp abuse hot line – 1-800- 4-A-CHILD that’s 1-800-422-4453

National sexual assult hotline 1-800-656-HOPE that’s 1-800-656-4673

National Children’s Advocacy Center contact 256-533-5437 ( to find one in your area)

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